As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
