I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
This baby is an asshole
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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