It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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