Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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