Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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