dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
