I think i peed on brittanys purse
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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