im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
