I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
