She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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