the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
