The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this just has baby written all over it
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
