Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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