I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
