There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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