We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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