First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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