Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
