dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
worst night to have a conscience
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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