I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
