no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize