I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
