Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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