The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
