I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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