dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
