My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
