just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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