You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
