Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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