I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
