Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
