We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
