I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
