I could have mohawked her pubes.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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