at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
