Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
