Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
