ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
