So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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