At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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