just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
