The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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