Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
