she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
