My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
