two words: eviction party
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
