do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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