Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All the doctor said was why
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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