It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
MIDGETS
????
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
