This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
