There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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