hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
false alarm. still invincible.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
