I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
