I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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