Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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