i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
